I hate body wash.
It is for women, the weak and infirm, and small children who are not bright enough to realize that a bar of soap is not a gigantic blue Tic-Tac. Why this loathing of an innocent body cleansing product, you may ask? Well, I’ll explain:
There are lessons that only bar soap can teach you in the shower. Body wash tries, but it won’t ever defeat good old Zest, because it can’t. There are things it cannot do that only a bar of soap CAN:
BAR SOAP teaches people to be on guard at all times. We’ve all joked around about “dropping the soap” in prison, but when you drop the soap in the shower, even when alone… you look around before picking it up, don’t ya? That’s darn tootin’ you do! Bar Soap keeps you prepared for life… for you’re never safe, or at least should not assume such. Not even in the shower.
BAR SOAP deteriorates visibly the more you use it… you can see it dying. You learn about loss, for life is full of loss. There’s always a little tinge of sadness in a person when they use the final swath of their last remaining piece… but just like life, it begins anew… with a NEW bar of soap! No matter how fleeting things seem, they can and will get better!
Body Wash is hidden from view in a stupid bottle, keeping its fate remaining from being observed… how pathetic.
BAR SOAP is solid and tough. You can FEEL it scratching the filth from your body, because you can depend on Bar Soap… it will let you know that it is there, as you should be for others.
Body Wash is just a slimy goo that you’re never sure is even around, and keep having to replenish, because it is weak. You always know when your Bar Soap is doing its job. There is no question.
BAR SOAP is usually more honest with you about its intent. Sure, there may be lies on the box about Hyper-Cleaning Technology™ or something of that ilk, but remember: Bar Soap was packaged by Mankind, and Mankind lies a lot. Bar Soap itself will never lie to you… it will just get you clean. There are certain fragrances to Bar Soap that are more feminine, and that’s OK… because it’s still Bar Soap.
Body Wash comes in thousands of fragrances, because it is ashamed of what it is. It should be.
BAR SOAP is versatile. You could actually wash anything with it, should the need arise, because Bar Soap will fill whatever is required in the art of cleaning things. You could do laundry with it by hand, because that’s just how cool it is.
Body Wash could do these things too, but would just suck at them.
BAR SOAP tastes like crap. Ever get your mouth washed out with soap? Probably. As this is happening when your mother or father chastises you, that bar is staring at you angrily the whole time, reminding you that you should be ashamed of yourself, because Bar Soap cares.
Body Wash can be used like this, but you don’t see it… it still tastes bad, but it has no moral fiber. You don’t SEE the pain and oral anguish that is to come, and this is a flaw.
Real men should only use Bar Soap. Real women should probably do so as well. Body Wash, as I’ve said, has its place… in Hell and in women’s bathrooms where there are towels that are merely decorative and 8,000 bottles of various scent and skin products that make no sense whatsoever.
Full Disclosure: I just used Body Wash a few minutes before writing this, because I thought I might be wrong… and I accidentally dropped the bottle. I bent over and picked it up without even flinching… and that’s how I know that my opinion is correct.
Game, set and match. These are the things I think of while washing my backside.
