My mind is a very, very active place. It’s one of those curses of being a brilliant idiot. Most people have a hamster wheel in their heads, it is said. Well, I have twelve.
Here is how these wheels operate depending on my state of mind:
DRUNK:
The 12 hamster wheels are lined up perfectly, excepting one, which is tipped over and the hamster running it has passed out. Unfortunately, this particular rodent is in charge of Volume Control. The other 11 are stumbling about on their wheels, but they are generally in a pleasant mood. They take turns tossing out ideas and thoughts, which I then speak, often to the enlightenment, but normally to the dismay, of my fellow people. This is just about as good as it gets. I will not shut up… ever, but everything is somewhat orderly upstairs, strangely enough.
SOBER:
The same number of wheels are there, with a couple of exceptions… they are now conjoined into some bizarre, esoteric and psychedelic M.C. Escher pattern, all 12 hamsters are on crack, and every single one of them is screaming their ideas out at once over the others while guzzling Red Bulls and defying gravity, Inception-style. It’s a dizzying place.
Hamsters floating everywhere and yelling about Nietzsche and trivia about the movie American Ninja, and why it is the most relevant film of the 80’s. This is where the 13th hamster, Earl, comes in. He is their AA sponsor and the manager of these loons, and I do not envy Earl’s job. Somehow, he must listen to all of these random thoughts, premonitions, plots, schemes, philosophies and jokes, cross-reference them for pertinence, and then toss something of substance out of my mouth hole. Earl is not a happy hamster at all… but he’s a diligent worker. Every once in awhile, Earl gets sick of the twisted nonsense that is being thrown at him, and he takes a coffee break.
This is where I suddenly get quiet, sit in contemplation, and I get to do Earl’s job for him… but I’m not as good at this as Earl is, so I do not speak. Usually, I’m just planning my day, the things that need to be done tomorrow, pondering the goals of my life and how to achieve them, putting together the puzzles of how the folks I know are going to react based on whatever possible actions I shall take and what the best outcome might be, trying to remember if the Kraken from Clash of the Titans is spelled with a “C” or a “K”, imagining murdering a nun using a piece of Kleenex tissue and how I would feasibly accomplish this, or wondering why Body Wash exists in a sane world. You know, normal stuff like everyone thinks about.
The Drunk State is much more to my liking, but the Sober State, which I’m going to be residing in for quite some time to come, is a hell of a lot cheaper and people complain less, so I’m just gonna ride that roller coaster for a bit, if nothing else, then for the challenge.
So, if I’m sitting quietly and staring off into space, don’t worry. I’m fine. Just keep nuns away from me if I’ve got the sniffles. Earl will get done with his coffee break soon enough.
